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Thursday, July 1st, 2004
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1:35 pm
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i know that is has been forever since i wrote in this journal and i am really disappointed in myself for it. well... not really. any ways, just today me and brandon went and opened a joint checking account. is this his way of telling me that someday he's gonna marry me? sarah and jake are getting married in the next decade just kindding i think that its great that they are waiting because then there wont be all that marriage stuff in the back of thier heads when they are in school. i am so happy for them. now its me and stephies turn to get engaged. oh.. btw.. happy 18th steph. i an planning on getting you something. whether you want me to or not. well thats all for now.
buhbye!
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1:34 pm - i am at the 3rd level of hell
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The wretched King Minos has decided your fate. His tale wraps around his body 3 times.
The sweet light no longer strikes against your eyes. Your shade has been banished to... the Third Level of Hell!
Third Level of Hell
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In the third circle, you find yourself amidst eternal rain, maledict, cold, and heavy. The gluttons are punished here, lying in the filthy mixture of shadows and of putrid water. Because you consumed in excess, you meet your fate beneath the cold, dirty rain, amidst the other souls that there lay unhappily in the stinking mud. Cerebus, a canine monster cruel and uncouth with his three heads and red eyes, dwells in this level. He growls and tears at the damned with his teeth and claws.
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
(Click on a level for more info)
Level Who are sent there? Score
Purgatory Repenting Believers Low
Level 1 - Limbo Virtuous Non-Believers Very Low
Level 2 Lustful High
Level 3 Gluttonous Very High
Level 4 Prodigal and Avaricious Low
Level 5 Wrathful and Gloomy High
Level 6 - The City of Dis Heretics Very Low
Level 7 Violent High
Level 8- the Malebolge Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers High
Level 9 - Cocytus Treacherous Low
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| Thursday, May 20th, 2004
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3:42 pm
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it's been awhile since i last updated so i thought i would. its been so long that now we are officially out of school and graduate on sunday. i have so many mixed feelings about growing up. i just hope to find a job soon. i am going camping friday with shelsea crystal brandon travis and joe and a big fat maybe mike. he dont do anything with us. o well i dont care much for him anyways. well, i hope i didnt piss sarah off yesterday when steph came with me and crystal from the camp out. but we had a great time, at least i think we did. today we had practice graduation and breakfast and i had most of my class sign this cute little puppy dog. then tonite is the senior banquet. before that tho me and shelsea and crystal are going to go horseback riding out at these ppls house. i dont know then that well. but they seem really nice. i went swimming today at the beach and finally got somewhat of a tan on my legs. yea! well tom maus isnt graduating (surprise suprise). its just as well that way. well. i see you when i see you! wish me and all my friends a great future!
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| Saturday, May 8th, 2004
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10:52 am
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well, last nite we went to teh moveis and kobes steakhouse. i had alot of fun and i think everyone else did. i think brandon stopped having fun when we left teh steakhouse bc he asked how we were going to get ahold of crydtal and joe and me travis were like they arent coming and he asked why so i told him that she said she wanted to go home and sleep bc she was tired. but he knew better and said that he didnt know that he was that much of an asshole and that he felt bad bc he was the lreason that crystal didnt want to go, and he also said that the next time we all go out he was gonna stay home so crystal could go have a good tiem. he said that he could have done without the movie cuz he felt really bad and i could kinda tell he wasnt having any fun bc everytine i looked at him he had this real sad look on his face. i dont htink crystal knows how much she is hurting him. and i am going to tell her when i see her today. this is getting relaly bad and it has got to stop. i know that i said fuck it but i cant just sit around and let someone i care about get hurt like this. i know you all know what i mean.
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| Friday, May 7th, 2004
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12:42 pm
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Oh my god! I am so pissed off at Crystal right now! She is so fucking of my god I dont know. She is mad because she feels left out of this thing that she planned. because travis and brandon made reservations to this restuarant, but they only mad eit for me shealsea travis and brandon because her and joe dont get off until 10 tonight. So she isnt going because she wants to go home and sleep. why the hell cant she tell me the fucking truth? the only reason i know that she feels left out is because shelsea told me. i dont know what to do. she also says that she hates brandon because hes rude. yeah he is, but so is she. maybe they are just too much alike. but now it seems to me that since kirtis in out of the picture brandon is the new "kirtis." him and her are always at it and if we want to hang out we cant because niether one of them want anything to do with each other. you know what. fuck it. im tired of trying. i am so sick of this fucking bullshit.
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| Tuesday, April 27th, 2004
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11:23 am
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i keep asking brandon whats up with us. I went to his house on Friday, and we ended up having sex. It was really good! Well, after that i asked him what we were, and he said that he was waiting on me but i said that i was waiting on his answer. so i guess we still arent dating, just basically f--- buddies i guess. Last nite i had a lot of fun. i went with stephanie to wichita and went to get kennys bday present. then we came back going like 100 mph. then i stayed with her for a while and then went to travis' b/c brandon was there then he took me to Mc Donalds. i asked him what he would do if i took off my clothes, and he said he didnt know. so when we lekf the parking lot, he was like oh yeah! than he turned on the heater so i took off my shirt and bra then he turned on the ac. so i put them back on. he was really surprised that i did that and he almost choked when i did. well i g2g.
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| Friday, April 23rd, 2004
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3:04 am
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oh and another thing i hope that i dont have to deal with another jackass like tom ever again! i mean if he didnt want to go he shouldnt have said what h esaid. he all got my hopes up and shit, who the hell does that fuck think he is anyways? a freaking god?
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2:52 am
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well, im sure that everyone is gonna be pissed at me but i just cant stand not being with brandon. i thought that i didnt care about him any more but i cant not be with him. i feel so alone righ tnow. i am going to go and talk to him today. i dont think i will be going to school if i can help it. i cant sleep and i cant rest. i have to talk to my pooh bear!!!!! fucking everything doesnt seem to be going right. i had a really long conversation with travis and we got alot sorted out. i owe that guy a lot. he knows how much brandon and i care for each other and he knows that i wan tto be with brandon. i seriously hope that brandon will at least give what i say to him some thought before he turns me away. i hope he doesnt. i am so nervous. im just all sorts of a mess. i feel like that i can only put up this mask of being ok for so long and that time is up. the only person i want to be with the rest of my life with is him. i think we are meant for each other even though we treat each other bad. but i think i can explain it better to you guys in person, so i will have to tell you what all me and travis said tonite. i know that i am not going to be to sleep tonite because i am not even tired which is really odd. my eyes wont even try to shut themselves. billy wrote me this email and it brought major tears to my eyes. i feel like i have made the biggest mistake of my life when i left brandon. i have a feeling that once he gets and job and out of his mothers house things will get better. i dont know but you never know until you try right? so sarah i guess i may be needing that picture of me and him back. i feel so fucking retarded. but i guess thats what happens when you fuck up!
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| Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
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10:33 am
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I broke up with brandon yesterday. i think thiings will be better that i hoped they would be. i only cried once but that was because he brought a whole bunch of my stuff over to me. i said i wasnt going to stoop to his level. im gonna keep his stuff. well, im pretty sure tom is gonna go with me to prom! YEAH!!!!!!!! i am so freaking excited but then again i am so freaking scared. Ms. Connel set this thing up to where we could meet (with out my knowledge) and i was shaking and my face was all hot and pink, and and i was almost in tears! it was bad. i thought i was gonna die Then ms connel said that he and i should go to prom together and he said he couldnt because he couldnt afford it. then ms connel asked if we took care of the expenses would he go and he said he would! :)!!!! i couldnt believe it. at first i was so pissed and then i was thankful, because it was a sing even if he doenst go with me, but god i really hope he does!
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| Tuesday, April 20th, 2004
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10:47 am
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of course, marie is a fucking scardy cat. I couldnt do it! I was talking to brandon about it andeverything. i just couldnt say it. gawd i m so disappointed in myself. i though ti was braver thatn that! anyways now he wants to go to prom and now i dont want him to go. i would rather go stag. if he goes i have a feeling the night will be ruined. i dont know. its just that he is so rude to my friends and i have had enough of it. they are my friends and i dont give a damn what he thinks of them . the only friends he has that i HATE is kirtis, but rarely do i tell him how i feel. but he just does it without anycare of what i say or think. if he ever says another thing.... i will kill him i may go to prison but itll be worth it. i g2g.
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| Monday, April 19th, 2004
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11:24 am
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Well, things between me and brandon are really sucky and he doesnt even know it. i heard all these things thats crystal said joe told her when he talked to brandon. i guess he was talking to brandon about how he and crystal are gonna get married someday and brandon said that we dont talk about marriage (which we dont), and that he doesnt see being with me in the next 5 years. and that he wanted to wait until college so he could meet more ppl. how can he even think about college when he doesnt have a job, a diploma, or a g.e.d? what a freak. i really thing we are wasting are time together but i just cant bring myself to leaving him or even talking to him about the things that i have been told. i wish that life could be easier. prom is next weekend and brandon told me he isnt going to go. he says his life is 1 big "de ja vu" and he hasnt seem himself going to prom and only wearig a tux once and that was at his sisters wedding. o well. i just have to get the guts to talk to tom i guess. yeah right! I guess oreo is going to talk to him i gotts go connel just got on me.
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| Thursday, April 15th, 2004
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10:47 am
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I dont know what to do anymore. I like tom soooooo much but i cant seem to get the balls to tell brandon i need some space. i guess im just afraud that he'll pull what he did last time we broke up. he said taht he was driving around and thought about driving off the road bc no1 would care or miss him. i still love him but i dont think im in love with him any more. so i dont know wha tto do. sarah said that her mom said i was pretty and could do so much better than brandon. i think i could too, i guess you could say i fear change. sarah keeps trying to let her and/or steveo to talk to tom. i dont think i could stand the thought of being rejected my him if thats how he feels. so yeah, i wish i were more ballsy. i need to think of someway to tell brandon how i feel. i can tell its getting really bad. there are just little things i can see and how i feel that make me know its time to end my and brandons relationship. so why cant i do it!!!!! im so fucking weirded out. ok i have this huge bellief in dreams and i had a reall vivid one about me and tom. it was really weird and i cant stop thinking about it. one thing that happened was he (tom) talked to me in a new jersey accent, then steph asked me how i knew he was from jersey and i said i didnt and she said that he was and i made her promise me that she wasnt lying and she said she wasnt. how weird. i know i have to do somwthing. brandon can sense a change in me and he always asks whats worng but i cant bring myself to tell him i need some space. it is just that i see how happy sarah and stephanie are and crystal and shelsea, and i miss being happy with the way my life was. now i just feel like its all wrong. i know i shouldnt bc i have a lot out there for me bc i have my friends and family. so i guess i have a lotta thinking to do. love ya!
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| Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
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11:24 am - The Weirdness
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It's funny how you can be so mad at one person and fight with him all week and then the next week he's just super nice and sweet. I mean I was all for telling him off and then he does this to me! He makes me not be mad at him. I know that he's a Gemini, the twins. But I really never knew that the changes could be this drastic. I just hate the fact that when he has his off weeks that it's my feelings that get twisted and hurt,a nmd everything else possible. I hope that he realizes his dumbness soon. O! Guess what! My mommy is coming back on Saturday, and she is bringing my grandma and Martina (Tina) with her. The grandma she is bringing is the one who was marrie to the grandpa that just passed away. I think she might think about moving down here with us. If she does I think it mught be in June or July. Bu tif she does she might as well do it by the end of May b-cuz she will be here for my graduation. I cant wait And my uncle and his family are gonna try abd come to. Anyways This Friday I think I am gonna hang out with Stephie and Sarah. I want to go see The Dawn of the Dead. I think that on Friday Me and Stephie and Sarah are gonna go see it. I wanted Brandon and Travis to go b-cuz I'm so sraced of zombies but they want to go paintballing. How dumb. I guess I will go be scared with my buddies. Maybe they will let me jump into their lap if I lose 800 lbs. before then. LOL! Buh bye!
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| Monday, March 15th, 2004
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12:56 pm - Oh Pooh!
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Me and Brandon just seem to fight all the freaking time. But guess what? It is always my fault. Shelsea said he and i should just be fuck buddies, but i don't know. He makes me feel like i should chec in with when i am with my friends. he was so pissed last night when i told i was with stephie. So i didnt tell him we went to crystals but i finally decided to he was like "u lied 2 me. how an i supposed to trust you now?" that made me so mad. i was like then dont trust me then. BUt u know me, i was all apologuzing to him and stuff. I need to stop that shit! He' snot my fucking daddy! h eneeds to lay off me before i go all psycho on his ass! Yeah right! LIke i could ever do that. Anyways. I am going to tell him i will be with sarah and stephie on friday. This way i wont "just be coming in a leaving him without anything to do." PLease! all he does is play his stupid video games. Why cant i just tell him how he makes me feel? Oh i know. B/c he will make it out to be my fault. Bull shit. It is him most of the time. I dont ever remember making his rude ass cry over stupid shit. Like not calling him or spending time with his family or wanting to hang out with my friends. He would have people to hang out with too if he were not so picky about EVERYTHING. Gawd! He stresses me out so much. Im glad i have friends like steph and sarah to vent to. I guess i have a bunch of thinking to do between now and whenever.
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| Friday, March 5th, 2004
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1:36 pm - life is just a box a chocolates
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So...... how r u? I guess I could be better. It's just that me and Brandon seem to be fighting so much over the most pointless things. He makes me so mad and says the meanest things that I wish I could just leave him! FOr good. But I cna't because I have no balls like Sarah who actually told Erik how she felt. God! I feel so dumb sometimes.
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| Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
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12:49 pm
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F A M E by spazyspag
Name:
Youre famous for: Sleeping with a 12-year-old
You get famous: February 11, 2039
You make $$ per/year: $2.0670378050879e+15
Do people like you? Everyone wants to bone you.
Dead/Alive: No one knows
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!
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12:46 pm
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Lunch today was so funny. we bet this girl $10 to go hump this guy Eli's leg. and she did it. I guess that when she did he turned around and screamed. it was hilarious. well i finally told Crystal that i want to talk to her. It'll be this Saturday. Watch her find some reason to not do this. I would be so pissed because then i would know what kind of a person she really is.
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| Monday, March 1st, 2004
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2:17 pm - Tired of it all
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God! It's been such a long week! I've been in North Dakota for the past week because my grandpa died. It was so tiring. It seemed like i was always doing something. Always on my feet. and i was away from brandon that whole time. and here i was thinking about how much i missed him and wanted to see him. then when i came home i really wasnt that interested in seeing him. I wanted to go see my friends like steph and sarah. I mean i love him and all but sometimes i' d rather be with my friends b/c it seems like he only wants to have sex and be touching me all the time. Like i said, i just want to be with my friends and it is weird b/c 2 of my friend feel the same way about their boyfriends. I wish that there were an easy answer to this one. i have been with him for 3 years this month. and never really broke up long enough fot it to count. I also feel bad b/c i like another guy and think that a lot of others are really hot. But then yestersay i found an email address thing in his handwriting so i asked who it was. and he said he didnt know and that it wasnt his. and i said that i knew his handwriting and for him not to lie. and he said oh it's nobody important. so i asked him why he lied to me. and he said that it was just a girl who played some game he plays. thatn i said that he gets pissed when i play pool and that he was being a hiprocrit. and he said he wasnt and that it was different. i thin i was more pissed that he lied to me. i mean if she wasnt important why couldnt he just tell me? he said it was b/c he didnt want me to flip out. and i did. b/c he lied. what a jerk. so i called him a jerk but told him i was kidding. i dont know. I guesss just sometimes i want to be single then i could do whatever w/o worring what he'll say to me.
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| Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
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12:50 pm - Sucky world
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I can't wait until I'm out of high school. Then I won't have to worry about any more high school drama, hopefully. People tend to talk too much about their "friends." I feel like i'm not really wanted any more in my old group. Not thaat I care. That's why I found some better people to be with. Stephanie is a great friend. I've known her forever. I can't believe that I let her dumb step-mother get in teh way of our friendship. I wish that Sarah wouldn't spend so much time with Erik. That way we could go driving and yell at random people. That is always great fun. Maybe me and Stephanie can get her away from home one day this week, and go do that.
Bye bye
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